hidden away

Sunday, 31 August 2014

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You’re so hard to contact, and you expect me to be the happiest girl in the world once you grace me with your appearance on WhatsApp or anywhere else. We’re in a long distance relationship, but you just still choose to not talk to me or spend time with me even when you can. You say one thing but do the other. You say sorry but you do it again. And again. And again.

I tell you my plans really early, and you don’t schedule your shit around it, you just get mad at me for having plans, or you just don’t care about hanging out. I sacrifice so much sleep for you cos you don’t give a fuck and you only can talk to me at what? 4am?5? You disappear to go make food and I wait and I say to wake me up so I can talk to you and what? You wake me up at 7?8? An hour before I’m supposed to get up? And then you wake me up just to tell me you’re going to sleep?

This is how I spend every fucking day. Every bloody day. I get guilty as shit when I don’t reply you right away but you??????

You ask me how I am and I reply and you just fuck off cos you’re so fucking busy innit.

Once I tell you I feel like shit , you refuse to talk to me. Sometimes you yell at me. Hell, you get angry when I just ask you to say you love me and say nice things! Yeah. That’s the taboo phrase. ‘please say nice things, I feel lousy’ - and BOOM you turn into a monster.

And why do you get so fucking sensitive ?? You fucking make it so clear that we’re not going to do shit till after uni is done and over with, and I fucking agreed, repeatedly, so chill the fuck out?

Once I want to talk to you about your visa, you start to shut down and keep quiet and get pissed. What, bad timing? When else do I fucking talk to you? What, bad topic? Do you even do shit unless I remind you?

I go to kl and we don’t even start our day out till 3 or 4pm cos even though you know I’m around you choose to sleep as late as you can. You make promises about picking me up at noon and I just KNOW it’ll never happen. I hang around for you, I lie to my parents for you, I wake you up just so I can meet you.

You feel guilty about getting so many presents from me and instead of reciprocating, you tell me to stop giving you presents. No, you don’t get me anything. You tell me to stop instead.

You break promises, you ignore plans. You’re the ‘spontaneous’ one but I’m not allowed to suddenly make up a plan - only you are. Only YOU are allowed to feel mad. You turn the tables all the fucking time. I’m not allowed to feel disappointed or hurt or ANYTHING - once I do, you treat me like I’m the most disgusting person in the whole fucking world.

Monday, 4 August 2014

I also have something bad to tell this blog. 

For the first time, I tried cutting myself because I felt horrible and I was in a fight with my boyfriend and I couldn’t stop crying no matter how hard I tried. 

I made only light scratches on my thigh. There was no blood. None at all. 

I’m never doing that again in my life.

#cut    #text    #arewereal    

Dreams

I used to write about the dreams i had in another blog (a blogger account, to be exact) but I’ll write it here now yeah. 

A few nights ago I dreamt that I was back in UK. I was flying back to my hometown (the main airport) and from there, taking a second flight to my area. I lived in a house full of girls, and in my house it looked like those house of mirrors in a funfair. i was walking around and around it, and suddenly my supposed ‘best friend’ at the house (the shorter, chubbier lady in The Heat) was holding a bong, chasing me around and telling me that one of the girls is a vampire and she’s biting all of us. I left my house to go to the central office because I wanted to check in for my Air Asia flight, and send my card back to my parents for their anniversary (i don’t even know why i did that, it’s not even logical since im going back home). The AirAsia counter was combined with the Starbucks counter, so the cashiers were also checking us in to our flights. My receipt fell on the floor so i needed to pick it up. I decided that I would turn into a bat (I was a vampire and i didnt realize it) and I flew down to pick up my receipt. We had to go through a security lady later that took forever to pat me down and let me pass. I think I ended up being going on my flight and waking up.

I have my period, so my mom doesn’t want me sleeping directly on my mattress. She wanted me to sleep on my comforter, so that’s how i’ve been sleeping, bundled up in my own comforter like a sleeping bag. She offered me a blanket but I declied. Last night, I dreamt that somebody tucked me in with a blanket and it felt so much better………. but i woke up still just bundled up in my comforter. It was so strange, I was in my room, and it was an old lady putting a blanket on me…………… man, i don’t know. 

#arewerealdreams    #dreamjournal    #dreams    

Saturday, 26 July 2014

reddlr-trees:

Just found out I’ve never made it past a [5]

i start feeling [4] once i take a couple of bong hits of malaysian weed, then it’ll escalate to maybe around [6]. maybe last month it did get as high as [9] because i started hearing the news in my head. it was funny though.
in the UK i probably am at [9], especially the dissociation. 
i was at [10] in Amsterdam, especially since we were high 24/7 AND we took shrooms. 

reddlr-trees:

Just found out I’ve never made it past a [5]

i start feeling [4] once i take a couple of bong hits of malaysian weed, then it’ll escalate to maybe around [6]. maybe last month it did get as high as [9] because i started hearing the news in my head. it was funny though.

in the UK i probably am at [9], especially the dissociation. 

i was at [10] in Amsterdam, especially since we were high 24/7 AND we took shrooms. 

(via highkristen)

#drugs    #high    #bro    

Friday, 18 July 2014

i was squeezing some lemons oo

i had to cut these lemons in half before i squeezed them, so there was a knife right next to my hand. i just kept thinking about my hand slipping and the knife cutting my wrist, me unable to make a sound and blood running down my elbow. i thought about getting rushed to the hospital and if i would need stitches. i wondered if i would’ve cared about what i was wearing. 

#blood    #cut    #thoughts    #text    #arewereal    

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

(high)

Sometimes I’d get annoyed with getting really high with other people too much because when i get (really) high i really really wanna listen to music reaaaaally loud or watch a movie because i feel like i need to do something and idk if that would piss people off. 

I get bored really fast when I’m stoned. 

#thats a lot of reallys    #aheuhu    #stoned    #high    #entry    #text    

Sports.

I used to do a lot of sports. When I was still in primary school, I’d be one of the main players in football, captainsball, running, basketball. I’d be excited to try out long jump, high jump, triple jump…. I wanted to do it all, or at least, try it all 

Something happened along the way…

Somehow I started to feel inferior. I started to think that everybody would judge me because I’m not good at a sport, and they’d laugh at me. Slowly, I’d stop playing as hard.. I’d stop taking part as much.. I stopped running, convinced I got old & fat (I was 15) I talked myself down before any jumping events until I couldn’t do them properly and accidentally hurt myself instead because I’d use the wrong technique.. I used to compare myself to the boys because I wanted to beat them, but then I just found myself trying to beat the girls. 

I feel like this started to happen once they segregated the playing fields of guys and girls.. Guys would do a different sport and girls another. I found that strange, and partly because most of my friends were guys. Gender is a weird thing, you start feeling comfortable with a bunch of people and suddenly someone will come up to you and remind you that you don’t have the same body parts and hormones and suddenly you’re supposed to not hang out with them anymore because of that.

I really want to start doing sports again. I loved it all. I should’ve used college for that - I shouldve done more things, I should’ve gone out more instead of stay in my room. I was getting out of a relationship when I joined college, and my confidence was low low low. It was really shit. This guy didn’t even want to spend RM10 on me (not that I’m being materialistic, but seriously - he’d buy a RM100+ mouse and then go on saying that he’s a great boyfriend because he bought me a shitty RM10 cup or he paid for lunch. once) Aaaaanyway, the first sport I played in college was tennis! It was weird. I tried it out with a bunch of people and these group of seniors came in to try and teach us how to play properly lol.. felt a bit weird and I didn’t like the sport because it had so much running and whacking the ball took up so much energy. 

The next sport I tried to get into was swimming. My stamina was really bad - high school was spent online like 80% of the time. I mean, I wasn’t that bad in sports, okay. My stamina was *relatively* good while we had PE - we had tests, thats how i knew, and then we didn’t have PE anymore because of exams and that’s when everything deteriorated. My confidence hacking away throughout my high school years was horrible enough already - I’d try and escape running so much (i think it was partly because in my first year of secondary school, they made me run so much on sports day that I literally shamed myself on the last run because I was so tired, and I was the first runner in a 4 x 400 relay.. ) I’m sorry but YES I will blame those people that made me do it, I felt publicly humiliated and I even heard stories of people blaming the loss on me. I mean, thanks for the wonderful support guys, you don’t even know that I had to run fucking 5 events that day. 

I went cycling a lot in college. My current boyfriend asked me out on a cycling date the first time we spoke in real life - and it honestly made me happier than I’ve ever been before. I was scared - scared that I didn’t have enough stamina, scared that he’d leave me behind during the date, scared that he’d think that I’m such a loser for not being able to tolerate cycling. But he was wonderful to me, and he waited, he let me rest, and I found that I was pushing myself to be better for him, to cycle better, to do things better, to go beyond I’ve ever pushed myself. 

OH - right - I was talking about swimming, ages ago. I swam for quite a bit in college, in the first sem. Then I started getting bored of it because we didn’t do shit and I didn’t want to join the lifesaving club thing. When I joined college and it was the first weekend back, I actually played basketball with a bunch of guys and I felt alright. But then I talked myself into quitting and thinking I’m a huge ball of shit at sports. 

After college, the only sports I did was.. rock climbing. And that was before I left for university. That was WONDERFUL. I felt alive, and so so happy. I think sports makes me really happy, but I don’t do it because I don’t know people who’d do it with me, and I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of them either (yeah, i have really low self confidence on that zzz) but everyone was nice as they always are, nobody has actually laughed at me while i try a sport / play something (well.. this isn’t really true) I love being out and doing things and running and walking and cycling and jumping and ya. 

Got to uni, and played a lot of ping pong because my friends were huge fans of it and they had a ping pong table in my accommodation. I wasn’t really good at it i guess, not used to how small the table is and how lightly i was supposed to hit it - i guess I was used to sports where I needed to run around in a huge space and not in such a confined one. I took abuse from my friends because I sucked so much lol and after awhile I just pretty much stopped trying and let them make fun of me and it was really killing me.. nobody likes being told that they’re not good at something.. repeatedly.. and then being made to play again with encouraging words, just to revert back to ridicule. 

I played badminton with the same bunch of them. They kept making fun of me because I didn’t know the proper rules (lol bunch of fags, thats the only thing they could say about me) but idk i went back to using violence on men and they stopped lol?? oh ya right i mustnt forget to talk about me & muay thai :D but anyway yeah I started defending myself more and getting pissed off more and all and they started being nicer, which was funny. Also one of them got hit in the balls because someone (on my team) did a smash HURDUR HAAA.

I started Muay Thai when uni started, and I’ve been so happy there. Everybody’s really encouraging, and I have high hopes of joining actual ring fights one day. I love the style and I love the people.. Don’t have much to say about it really, because it’s been nice to get away and do something every weekend.

OKaYY yeah I’m going to go shower now (or after an episode of bob’s burgers) so bubbye 

#sports    #ramblings    #athlete    #growing up    #puberty    #confidence    #text    #arewereal    #entry    

Monday, 14 July 2014

1130am

I  was pretty excited to write when I woke up today. I actually have a list of stuff that I want to talk about, I don’t know why.. but anyway, here we go woop woop woop! I haven’t showered & it’s 1148am and idk is this how a holiday is supposed to feel like?? I have not felt like I’ve been on holiday since I’ve gotten back. Life’s just been full of rushing and getting somewhere and doing something because I’ve only got 3 months at home. Doesn’t that just make things feel so sad? You’ve got a holiday, and you wanna milk it, and in the end you just never rest because you’ll waste time, but whatever it is you get so tired at the end of the day because you do so much. 

#text    #arewereal    #entry    #morning    #ramblings    

why is my url what it is?

Thought I’d put this as my sort of intro to my new tumblr. My url ‘arewereal’ kind of refers to me trying out shrooms in Amsterdam during Easter break. Throughout my high, I was repeatedly asking my two friends who were with me if we were real, and it felt like I was losing my mind. But anyway, more about that night another time. I feel like I’m digressing. 

I created this tumblr to sort of have an outlet for things I want to say, but for social reasons, cant (for example, I’m not comfortable with the whole world actually knowing I did shrooms). I created this to be able to let my feelings out without hurting people (hopefully). I want to be able to write, and express my opinions on people - if they do find me, and if they do realize what it is about, then this is my disclaimer, before i write anything further : please understand that what i have to say here is not meant to hurt anyone - it is merely how i feel about certain matters, and it is not your fault. I feel what i feel, and if i feel enough of it, i want to let it go, and write it off. You can talk to me, if you’d like to, regardless of whether you know me personally or not. Whatever it is, I’ll try to keep this blog as anonymous as possible, because I’m just writing to say how I feel, anyway. 

if i know you, and i showed you this, then i probably like you enough, & i’d appreciate it if you kept it between us. 

#intro    #arewereal    #text    #post    #entry