I used to do a lot of sports. When I was still in primary school, I’d be one of the main players in football, captainsball, running, basketball. I’d be excited to try out long jump, high jump, triple jump…. I wanted to do it all, or at least, try it all .
Something happened along the way…
Somehow I started to feel inferior. I started to think that everybody would judge me because I’m not good at a sport, and they’d laugh at me. Slowly, I’d stop playing as hard.. I’d stop taking part as much.. I stopped running, convinced I got old & fat (I was 15) I talked myself down before any jumping events until I couldn’t do them properly and accidentally hurt myself instead because I’d use the wrong technique.. I used to compare myself to the boys because I wanted to beat them, but then I just found myself trying to beat the girls.
I feel like this started to happen once they segregated the playing fields of guys and girls.. Guys would do a different sport and girls another. I found that strange, and partly because most of my friends were guys. Gender is a weird thing, you start feeling comfortable with a bunch of people and suddenly someone will come up to you and remind you that you don’t have the same body parts and hormones and suddenly you’re supposed to not hang out with them anymore because of that.
I really want to start doing sports again. I loved it all. I should’ve used college for that - I shouldve done more things, I should’ve gone out more instead of stay in my room. I was getting out of a relationship when I joined college, and my confidence was low low low. It was really shit. This guy didn’t even want to spend RM10 on me (not that I’m being materialistic, but seriously - he’d buy a RM100+ mouse and then go on saying that he’s a great boyfriend because he bought me a shitty RM10 cup or he paid for lunch. once) Aaaaanyway, the first sport I played in college was tennis! It was weird. I tried it out with a bunch of people and these group of seniors came in to try and teach us how to play properly lol.. felt a bit weird and I didn’t like the sport because it had so much running and whacking the ball took up so much energy.
The next sport I tried to get into was swimming. My stamina was really bad - high school was spent online like 80% of the time. I mean, I wasn’t that bad in sports, okay. My stamina was *relatively* good while we had PE - we had tests, thats how i knew, and then we didn’t have PE anymore because of exams and that’s when everything deteriorated. My confidence hacking away throughout my high school years was horrible enough already - I’d try and escape running so much (i think it was partly because in my first year of secondary school, they made me run so much on sports day that I literally shamed myself on the last run because I was so tired, and I was the first runner in a 4 x 400 relay.. ) I’m sorry but YES I will blame those people that made me do it, I felt publicly humiliated and I even heard stories of people blaming the loss on me. I mean, thanks for the wonderful support guys, you don’t even know that I had to run fucking 5 events that day.
I went cycling a lot in college. My current boyfriend asked me out on a cycling date the first time we spoke in real life - and it honestly made me happier than I’ve ever been before. I was scared - scared that I didn’t have enough stamina, scared that he’d leave me behind during the date, scared that he’d think that I’m such a loser for not being able to tolerate cycling. But he was wonderful to me, and he waited, he let me rest, and I found that I was pushing myself to be better for him, to cycle better, to do things better, to go beyond I’ve ever pushed myself.
OH - right - I was talking about swimming, ages ago. I swam for quite a bit in college, in the first sem. Then I started getting bored of it because we didn’t do shit and I didn’t want to join the lifesaving club thing. When I joined college and it was the first weekend back, I actually played basketball with a bunch of guys and I felt alright. But then I talked myself into quitting and thinking I’m a huge ball of shit at sports.
After college, the only sports I did was.. rock climbing. And that was before I left for university. That was WONDERFUL. I felt alive, and so so happy. I think sports makes me really happy, but I don’t do it because I don’t know people who’d do it with me, and I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of them either (yeah, i have really low self confidence on that zzz) but everyone was nice as they always are, nobody has actually laughed at me while i try a sport / play something (well.. this isn’t really true) I love being out and doing things and running and walking and cycling and jumping and ya.
Got to uni, and played a lot of ping pong because my friends were huge fans of it and they had a ping pong table in my accommodation. I wasn’t really good at it i guess, not used to how small the table is and how lightly i was supposed to hit it - i guess I was used to sports where I needed to run around in a huge space and not in such a confined one. I took abuse from my friends because I sucked so much lol and after awhile I just pretty much stopped trying and let them make fun of me and it was really killing me.. nobody likes being told that they’re not good at something.. repeatedly.. and then being made to play again with encouraging words, just to revert back to ridicule.
I played badminton with the same bunch of them. They kept making fun of me because I didn’t know the proper rules (lol bunch of fags, thats the only thing they could say about me) but idk i went back to using violence on men and they stopped lol?? oh ya right i mustnt forget to talk about me & muay thai :D but anyway yeah I started defending myself more and getting pissed off more and all and they started being nicer, which was funny. Also one of them got hit in the balls because someone (on my team) did a smash HURDUR HAAA.
I started Muay Thai when uni started, and I’ve been so happy there. Everybody’s really encouraging, and I have high hopes of joining actual ring fights one day. I love the style and I love the people.. Don’t have much to say about it really, because it’s been nice to get away and do something every weekend.
OKaYY yeah I’m going to go shower now (or after an episode of bob’s burgers) so bubbye